1996 go!discs
all songs the trash can sinatras/go!discs music ltd.
except “to sir, with love” (mark london/don black) screen gems emi music ltd.

twisted and bent

spread eagled illegally
an angel as bored as me,
should i cream and pretend
i don’t know about the world?
well well well well well.

you had phil in my father’s shed
and joe made a lovely bed,
drag them on and off and on
summersaulted, autumn tumbled,
feathers tickled memories

remember phil?
i knew phil well

should i embrace you
or embalm you?
you’re so lackadaisical,
upsadaisy girl
beauty is sin deep
and when you scratch me,
it shows you remember joe.
i knew joe well.

the pirate in me turned a blind eye.

so come aboard, i’m going to explore
murphy’s law and the rules of columbus.
he got it wrong, got blown off course,
navigated us in knots (of course)

so come aboard,
let’s sing a lament -
the world isn’t round
it’s twisted and bent

unfortunate age

i applied…
and eventually they replied,
“impeccable taste, such an unfortunate age.”
getting this far took a long time.
a car stolen properly, passport to poverty
…i applied

bride-to-be…
for my benefit, marry me.
help me fill out my forms,
through the winter we’ll stay warm.
we’ll claim the unclaimed
and patiently pay for it
yearly with our lives,
dearly with our lives…bride-to-be.

bury us, with shovel and bible fuss.
like the book that we’ve strummed,
we’re dog-eared and well-thumbed.
we don’t fold the pages,
we know where our place is.
a tree for a headstone,
roots grow through our bones.

to sir with love

those school girl days
of telling tales and biting nails are gone
but in my mind
i know they will live on and on
but how do you thank someone
who has taken you from crayon to perfume?
it isn’t easy but i’ll try

if you wanted the sky i will write across the sky
letters that will soar a thousand feet high
to sir with love

the time has come for closing books
and long last looks must end
and as i leave
i know that i am leaving my best friend
a friend who taught me right from wrong
and weak from strong
that’s a lot to know
what can i give you in return?

if you wanted the moon i will try to make the stars lie
but i’d rather you let me give my heart
to sir with love
if you wanted the sky i will write across the sky
letters that will soar a thousand feet high
to sir with love

make yourself at home

i shudder away
from london,
it’s a nightmare
coming home.
if money talks,
i’ve pursed lips,
and i’ve left
my tongue at home

past beechams’
headache-free factory,
it’s smoking too,
and i’m pondering
which science
i’ll leave my body to.

there’s no reincarnation
you’re only human once
so make yourself at home

an un-sober hippy
lying naked on his back,
says he plays
for cardboard city
not out of spite
but because of the fact that
people paper over cracks
in sunny retreats until
their heart attacks them.

there’s no reincarnation
you’re only human once
so make yourself at home

i don’t care
for the big world out there,
keep me away
from the window.
it’s a small world
wherever we go,
so make yourself at home.

the main attraction

i’m off to the ladies, she’s off to the gents…
a curious relationship.
it’ll end in tedium or it’ll end in bed.
we’re commonly crossed legged but regally spread.

we’re like the carpet-burned knees of desire
both of us are blushing
both of us are skint (again)
get up and throw another plug on the fire
don’t blow a hole in the royal mint
(these suckers are skint)

you can fool some people all the time
and you can suffer fools some of the time
you can even fool all the people
all of the time…
but you cannae kid yourself

you’re the main attraction
and you’ll get your hands on her
off to the trough and the cubicle
to get pharmaceutically full of yourself

i’m pushing my boat out
to greet your ship coming in

don’t kid yourself
you’re the main attraction
that i won’t get my hands on her
between the trough and the cubicle
just stop for a bloody good look at yourself…

i’m pushing my boat out
to greet your ship coming in

between the trough and the cubicle
you sure made a bloody good fool of yourself

how can i apply…?

there’s a boy up here
who wants you to love him
but he can’t ignore his fears
there’s a girl down there
who wants you to love her
like you did this time last year

and I could fill that hole for you
how can I apply to you?
i could fill that hole for you some way

morning light i feel
come and make a meal of me
i’m hot this morning
and i must say miss, this dish is delicious
you can have some more for dinner

and i will fill that hole for you
how can I apply for you?
i could fill that hole for you someday

there’s a dream somewhere
that’s never been spoken
here’s your busfare somewhere else
where you can spend your days
all shattered and broken
til you’re gone goodbye forever

but i could fill that hole for you
how can I apply for you?
i could fill that hole for you some way
i could fill that hole for you
how can I apply to you?
i’ll be whole for you someday, some way

the pop place

souther, souther, we drove further south
deep down into darkest england’s mouth
foot down 5 hungry joes, foot down 5 hungry joes
4 wheels on our ambulance, round the tavern of good hope

heading for the pop place, meddle with the populace
heading for the pop place, dabble in the magic arts

stretcherbearer, doctor, driver, nurse, navigator-just follow the hearse
i bet he knows where we goes, i’ve L25 on the nose
5 hungry joes hit the steering world

heading for the pop place
(12 gallon engine)
meddle with the populace
(our living legend)
heading for the pop place
(10 knees-a-trembling)
dabble in the magic arts
showing off our private parts

at the border into dumfries
slow and see the rhinoceres
get pulled over by the police on the m666
5 hungry joes hit the steering wheel

heading for the pop place
(9 lives flash by)
meddle with the populace
(8 spent in lay-bys)
heading for the pop place
(7 is a rumour)
meddle with the populace
(6 sense of humour)
heading for the pop place
(5 hungry mouths to feed)
meddle with the populace
(4 quid between us)
heading for the pop place
(3 lanes of lunatics)
dazzle with the populace
(2 feet between us)
heading for the pop place
(and a legend in an accident)

the genius i was

rainmates forever
you and me
soaked to the skin
dead waist down, on the evidence
we’re guilty as sin

you dress like a letter delivered to the wrong
address and name
scented and a ribboned with a bow
you burst into flame

and what’s inside is not really mine
help me open up
when we’re outside
we are the tufted race and we just graze

when I think of you it’s as the genius i was
the expert who’s dog did all the work
when x marked the spot

in the field, the fool that i am
help me open up
i was ploughed
you want me to milk my time
but i just graze

and what’s inside is not really mine
help me open up
when we’re outside
we are the tufteed race and we just graze

the sleeping policeman

i cast the net he hauls it in
life and death it doesn’t mean a thing
we’re ringing to the bone
the day’s a chaperone
slowly the night draws in

i couldn’t cut another throat
the fish, the ships are dancing for us both
the captain with his hand
an extraordinary man
in love with the north sea’s roll
heave, ho heave
the trawlers haul us home, dear.

haul us home, sail us home
haul us home, sail us for home

the harbour bar is where we’ll go
to a shady, hairy gentleman I know
for a brandy in a glass
he won’t remember us
just get in the car we’ll go
over the sleeping policeman’s shoulder

driving home, driving home
on the back seat, drive me home
drive me for home

i must fly

bye said the keeper to his wife
who is the laziest of all
he has to go and man the lights
she’s gonna be there by his side
in later life when he goes
on a wednesday night
pacific ocean

i’m catching up slowly with the tide
who’ll be there gently by your side
who is the lowest of the low
who’s gonna tell me that
i’m old enough to know
enough to know better
on a wednesday night
pacific ocean

in three months he’ll be back to see the wife
she is the laziest of all
who’ll be there gently by your side
said good-bye to the keeper and his wife
i must fly

i’ll get them in

they people the town with dominoes - half price after dark
it’s a half masked, two-faced place to go
good thing the world’s not flat - i’d be backing away from there
the second hand jacket from the fire brigade tries to not look drenched
while the damp umbrella in the corner hides a humble fifty pence
you would have to hold us back

rod and alcohol combine, a glass of gin and “tonight’s the night”
a sobering thought springs to my mind…..so I get them in

there’s the anecdote about an argument with the singer from jellyfish
made a secretive call to some friends of mine for a gift of twenty quid
just enough to get us pished…..almost

another drunk pub quiz compare, another drink, just to make it fair
i see it’s almost afternoon…..so i get them in

turn another page past the telly guide and the pissed cartoonist’s strip
take a telephone trip to the lonely hearts’ armchair party night
or explorers can buy a wife from bangkok

one day everything turns out right, the next is the end of that era
but i bottle up and keep it inside, i’m in shipshape

rod and alcohol combine, a glass of wine and “tonight’s the night”
a sobering thought springs to my mind…..so I get them in

the safecracker

as fly to tarantula, as jugular to dracula
to me in my ford spectacular, you’ll be drawn
i’ll slash your masterpiece, the bits and pieces on your mantelpiece
i’m in and out in no time…..the safecracker

got impaled, on a nail, once i left a trail behind me
a bloody tale, to no avail, better get cracking, it’s not safe

the moon is a blabbermouth
who’ll shop you in and catch you out
but me and my thoughts spectacular won’t be caught
they call me thrifty, thrifty, i count out 2.50
a gallon’ll get me to paisley, i’m a safecracker
i’ll use your tradesman’s entrance, there’s no danger there
i’ll wipe all trace away, i’ll get clean away, the safecracker

got impaled on a nail, once i left a trail behind me
i’ll end in jail if i fail, but i’ll have all the time
gloves and rope, stethoscope, at tip-toe time I’ll be at large
it takes a crook to know where to look
better get cracking

the moon is a blabbermouth
who’ll shop you in and catch you out
but me and my ford spectacular
i’ll be all right

got impaled on a nail, once i left a trail behind me
a bloody tale, to no avail, better get cracking
it’s not safe
i’ll land in jail if i fail, better get cracking
it takes a crook to know where to look
i’ll have all the time
i’ll have all the time
better get cracking
better get cracking

the therapist

he said “around these parts…” as he laid a hand upon a thigh
“life’s so dumb, dull and low that you’ve got to try harder to get higher”

i stood in the firing line with my blindfold, arms behind
if you shoot, aim for the leg,
and i’ll teach you how to beg me

i get the sweetest sensations when i’m powerless
but despite myself, there are times when i have felt
“i’m not in the mood for any of this.
these scots west-coast delta blues give me the hump.”

i’m nude in the firing line with my blindfold, arms behind
if you shoot me in the leg, i’ll teach you how to fake prescriptions
look below the slabs and underneath the crabs…
my therapist has the rapist’s heart

these scots west-coast delta blues
give me the hump-backed bells of hell,
so shut up, your time is up

time’s up, shut up
time is up
time’s up, shut up
time is up
time’s up, shut up
good-bye i’ll see you later on
tick tock, running over
good-bye now i’ll see you later on
tick tock, working all night
time’s up, shut up
time is up
bye bye see you later on
time is up
bye bye see you later on
time is up
“1,2,3 waking up
4,5,6 waking up
7,8 open your eyes
9, 10 wide awake, wide wake, fully wide awake”